What values are important in a relationship?

The beginning of a new romantic relationship is exciting and filled with nervous laughter and discoveries. But relationships need more than just mutual affection and shared interests to thrive. That’s where shared values come in.

Once the initial excitement fades, relationship values form the foundation of long-term compatibility and commitment. With that said, many partners struggle to open up and discuss their values early on. 

Understanding what values are essential in a relationship is crucial. Start by examining what matters to you. From there, you’re ready to have a dialogue that guides you toward deeper connections and compatibility.

What are relationship values?

On the surface, relationships seem straightforward. You meet someone, share a connection, and watch that bond grow.

But the road to a happy ending is rarely this smooth. Beyond attraction and chemistry, a healthy relationship requires vulnerability, trust, and honesty. How well you meet those emotional needs often depends on your core values.

What do “core values” mean in the context of a long-term relationship? They are foundational principles that guide your decisions, behaviors, and worldviews. 

It’s important to recognize that relationship values can differ from your own personal values. For example, on a first date, you might have to choose between attending a loud concert your date suggests or opting for the quiet coffee shop you had in mind. One of you values shared experiences, while the other values meaningful conversations.

Over time, if your relationship values don’t align, the disconnect can cause emotional strain. But differing perspectives don’t mean your relationship is doomed. The key is recognizing your non-negotiable relationship values—and understanding when you can compromise. 

What values are important in a relationship?

In every aspect of life, including romantic relationships, core values influence everything from mundane daily choices to bold, life-altering decisions. While no two people will share the exact same values structure, understanding which principles matter most to you is crucial for building lasting connections.

Reflecting on your core values takes time, self-trust, and honest reflection. To get started, consider what matters most to you in every area of your life:

• Lifestyle and daily living: Think about what makes you feel fulfilled. Do you value routine or spontaneity? Privacy or openness? Your idea of a meaningful life reflects your core values.
• Personal growth and future goals: Reflect on where you see yourself in five years or ten years. Do you value continuous learning and career development? Or do you prioritize stability and contentment with your current situation?
• Money and security: Consider your relationship with finances. Beyond basic stability, what matters to you? Some prioritize experiences over savings, while others feel better with a budget and financial cushion. 

Remember that relationship values can evolve over time, and that's normal. The key is maintaining self-awareness about what matters most to you and using effective communication to share these principles with the other person.

When you understand your core beliefs, you can more easily recognize compatibility and navigate differences in relationship values, while remaining true to yourself.

21 examples of core relationship values

Sharing similar core values can indicate a potential relationship’s success, but that doesn’t mean you and your partner(s) need to agree on everything—in fact, in an open and honest relationship, you most likely won’t. It’s completely possible to make a lasting connection with someone with different values.

Healthy conflict is a natural part of any strong relationship. By respecting one another's point of view, and working to understand each other with kindness and empathy, you can effectively resolve conflict and grow through the experience. Relationship values are key in this process. 

Some common examples of relationship values include:

Communication 

Poor communication is one of the top reasons for divorce. To thrive, partners must express their feelings and needs and have the communication skills to actively listen to each other. Doing so allows partners to have productive conversations and resolve issues in their relationship.

Family 

Clarifying priorities around marriage, children, and future caregiving responsibilities can help reduce conflict and create a smoother transition into a larger family unit. When long-term partners share similar expectations in these areas, it’s easier to make decisions and support each other through the different stages of life. 

Respect 

Mutual respect fosters equality, loyalty, and trust in your relationship. It allows you to have differences while still feeling valued. For example, when your partner comes home from work, they may need 30 minutes to decompress from the stress of their day.

Even though you would rather chat about your days and start working on dinner together, you understand and respect their need for time alone. After they’ve recharged, you can begin your evening together smoothly and without conflict.  

Open-mindedness 

Realizing there's more than one way to look at things is an important first step in ensuring that others around you feel seen, heard, and valued. But being open-minded doesn’t mean you lack morals or an understanding of what’s OK and what isn’t. It means that you can put aside your beliefs, biases, and assumptions to entertain other perspectives and engage without judgment. 

Forgiveness

Mistakes happen. No one is perfect, but allowing your partner(s) to grow from a one-time error while letting go of resentment enables your relationship or marriage to survive lapses in judgment and move forward with mutual respect.

Gratitude

Every close relationship will encounter some friction, and reminding yourself (and your partner) what you appreciate about them goes a long way toward healing hurts and growing together. Expressing gratitude for your romantic partner(s) may also release the love hormone oxytocin in their brain. The result is an increased sense of well-being, closer bonds of intimacy, and a stronger relationship with the other person.  

Well-being

Taking care of yourself is primarily your own responsibility. With the security and self-confidence that arise from regularly caring for your body, mind, and soul, you are more prepared to meet your partner on equal ground and be at your best.

Taking time for self-care will also give you the energy to participate in fun activities as a couple or group, and ensure you have the mental resources needed to meet any challenge together.

Support

Offering support in times of need inspires an invaluable sense of safety in a romantic relationship or marriage. Whether it’s a word of encouragement or a hug, the support of a loved one in times of good or bad stress can tip the balance toward a successful outcome.

Flexibility

Changing and adapting to new circumstances builds resiliency in a relationship. It also adds an element of trust and safety, making it easier to find compromises and leaving you open to new experiences.  

Growth

Sharing a desire for growth can stoke passion in your relationship. Novel experiences help partners grow together, while self-improvement can boost your mood and confidence. 

Loyalty

Trusting that your partner has your back and that you'll face problems together can help reduce the mental energy necessary to cope with a crisis. You can lean on your loyal partner(s) and share in their strength to find a solution.

Financial responsibility

Money issues factor into about 25% of all breakups. Finding a partner (or partners) whose spending patterns, debt aversion, and saving habits closely match your own can reduce friction around money decisions and improve financial wellness. 

Empathy

Putting yourself in your partner’s (or partners’) shoes and caring as much for their well-being as yours can help you bridge the gap between different opinions, interests, needs, communication styles, and personal boundaries. In other words, empathetic people connect on a deeper level.

Trust

Trust informs how secure you feel within your relationship. A trustworthy partner leads with kindness, leaving no doubt they have your best interests at heart and that they'll respect your need for physical and emotional safety.

Honesty

 Creating a healthy relationship requires a foundation of honesty. Many people are not taught how to communicate openly, so this one might take some practice. However, saying what you mean and meaning what you say goes a long way toward creating an open, honest, and trusting relationship. 

Intimacy

Frequent displays of affection, time alone together, emotional vulnerability, and physical closeness are romantic needs that contribute to couples' physical and mental wellness. Creating intimacy takes hard work and lots of communication, but the work is worth it—intimacy is crucial for building a lasting relationship. 

Spirituality

It is important to note that individuals vary in intensity of spiritual and religious beliefs. What can be more important than lining up ideologies line for line, is to assess the importance of spirituality within the relationship. Done well, aligning on spirituality can help simplify big life decisions as well as small ones. (Bonus: spiritual wellness unlocks creativity and resourcefulness, too!)

Accountability

Taking responsibility for how your behavior affects others provides stability to a relationship and improves its longevity. It allows a partner (or partners) to speak honestly about how your actions impact their lives, knowing you’ll act to rectify any harm.  

Humor

Sharing a sense of humor can be essential. Laughing together indicates a strong mutual attraction. Plus, it can help to reduce stress and anxiety, making it easier to face difficult situations together.

Work ethic

Healthy relationships require effort to maintain. All partners should be willing to put in the work necessary for their relationship to thrive, including work on their own mental, physical, and spiritual health.

True partners share the load equitably—from emotional labor to doing the dishes. If someone carries too much of the mental load, it can lead to anger and resentment, which erode the foundation of a lasting relationship.

Boundaries

Healthy boundaries create a sense of safety and respect in a relationship, ensuring that each partner’s needs, values, and personal space are honored. Setting and maintaining boundaries allows for open communication about comfort levels, emotional well-being, and personal autonomy, preventing resentment and fostering deeper trust and connection.

How to talk about relationship values with your partner

Discussing relationship values with a new friend or partner requires courage. It may feel vulnerable, it’s essential for building an authentic relationship. You deserve to know whether your partner shares the beliefs that matter most to you.

There are two ways you can approach the conversation:

1. Be direct and ask your partner(s) to set aside time to discuss a topic. With the heads up, all parties can prepare their thoughts and approach the conversation with their emotions in check.
   
   
2. Wait for the conversation to evolve organically. Ask questions about their family values, careers, and life goals when the subjects come up, and pay attention to their behavior. 

No matter how you initiate a conversation about core values, your goal should be an open and honest exploration of each person’s feelings. Values are inherent to how we see ourselves as people. Sometimes, that means that a values conversation can trigger a big, unexpected wave of emotion.

This might be an indication that you have a core value close to the topic. Using self-awareness and curiosity, you can offer your partner(s) a loving space to explain their values and to feel heard.

The role of shared values in non-romantic relationships

Core values shape all relationships, not just romantic ones. In friendships, shared values like trust, loyalty, and respect create lasting bonds. With family members, aligning on values can help you navigate differences and deepen your connection. Between coworkers, values like reliability and teamwork are the foundation for strong, supportive working relationships. 

When you share values with the people around you, relationships often feel more effortless and fulfilling. These values are like a common language that makes it easier to communicate, resolve conflict, and support each other through challenges. 

Even when differences arise, an understanding of each other’s values helps maintain trust and connection in any relationship, whether it’s a romantic partner, friend, family member, or colleague. 

Take your relationship to the next level

A new romance is all about discovery. You and your partner(s) are learning everything about each other, including—most importantly—your relationship values. 

These conversations are a healthy way to deepen your connection and build trust, loyalty, and intimacy. Don’t shy away from them—embrace transparency as another step on your journey toward a happy, loving relationship.

If you’d like support in understanding your core values and building stronger relationships, a BetterUp Coach can help you grow through one-on-one virtual sessions.